My older sister and I are both in our forties now, and we both kind of love it. It isn't that we don't miss our younger, more capable bodies of former years... but there are some advantages to getting older that almost seem to outweigh the disadvantages. Such as:
I know where my emotions are coming from, and it is SO much easier to manage them
I'm pretty sure this doesn't happen to everyone, but both my sis and I have noticed a distinct uptick in our ability to remain calm. Of course some of this is about being able to let go of stress from the outside, but some of it is definitely about knowing ourselves and knowing how to manage ourselves. We know if we're cranky because we're tired, or major life stress is happening, or we just yelled at someone, and we further have this ability to recognize and then do what needs to be done in order to get ourselves out of this emotional trap. Take a nap, take a break, apologize, talk to a friend. All the stuff that has worked our whole lives, but somehow our ability to remember these techniques and actually use them seems to be improving. Neither of us is complaining.
I am much more able to recognize and label crazy or unhelpful behavior, while simultaneously being able to let go of judgment about the person engaging in the behavior
About that second part: I am old enough now that if I'm being honest, I know that I have probably engaged in that exact same crazy/unhelpful behavior in the past, and I also know that it's possible that I will engage in it in the future. :( When describing stressful situations to others, or listening sympathetically to their descriptions of stressful situations, I try to remember to describe the person "causing" the stress as a real human: capable of change and also probably under a lot of stress themselves.
And as to the first part: if a behavior is crazy or unhelpful, I am able to be so much calmer once I recognize it for what it is. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt means not judging their character on the basis of a few behaviors. Having good boundaries means that you recognize when a behavior or situation is causing you problems-- no matter how nice (or "nice") the person behind that behavior is-- and and choosing to take steps to solve those problems. Often that means going to the person and trying to work out a solution. Sometimes it means sucking it up/learning to let go. Occasionally it means removing yourself from the situation until things have changed. I used to only have the "try to let it go" response, but it isn't always the best response! Having the other two in my arsenal has helped me be calmer, happier, more cheerful, and (I think) a better friend.
I moved from being a silver medalist to being a bronze medalist
My brother-in-law was the one who told me about the conclusions mentioned in this article:
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/thoughtful-animal/why-bronze-medalists-are-happier-than-silver-winners/
Basically the deal is that if you get a silver medal, you are most likely to be thinking about how if you had done just a little better, you would have gotten gold! But if you are a bronze medalist, you probably recognize the likelihood that if you had done a little worse, you would have not gotten a medal at all.
And this is how this works for me. I spent a lot of time in my twenties and thirties worrying about things which were not happening for me, which I wanted to happen-- some of which were more under my control than others. I wanted at least financial stability, if not success-- but, nada. It would have been nice to have found academic or any other kind of professional success, but again, not so much. And of course, elephant in the room, of course I wanted to be married, which is in some ways pretty far out of my control, but still... no dice.
Now, I will admit that some of my increased happiness in all of these areas is because I have made measurable gains in at least some of them. I have financial stability of a sort, as long as my mother keeps subsidizing my rent. In a couple of years, when I have my student loans finally paid off, I will even have it as a possibility to rent with roommates ("why don't you rent with roommates?" "It's too expensive") instead of being my mother's housemate. Professionally, I am working steadily on my writing, and have accepted that I'm not going to have a "real" profession other than that. And if I get married? It's a bonus! Ladies in their forties who get married for the first time are not even in the same race with those who married at a "normal" time, whatever that time was. It feels splendid to be less worried about it. I am doing things about it, but being able to let go of some of that stress is the just the best.
(If you know a lady in her thirties who is fretting about not being married, do please try not to scold her for it. Or tell her that marriage isn't that great. Or tell her that she should enjoy being single. If you enjoyed being single so much, maybe you should get divorced? Otherwise, stop picking on people who are already clearly stressed out.)
This is the thing. Unless you choose to stop being friends with people, stop reading or watching the news, stop basically participating in the human race, you will be confronted on a regular basis with people who have stuff that you want, but don't have, and you will probably be uncertain about whether or not they deserved those things more than you did. Failing, hard, at professional and financial things for about half of my thirties taught me that there are worse things out there than other, possibly-more-but-possibly-less-worthy-than-me people having things I wish I had. What I really want, and need, and this is backed up by research! is friends and family to confide in, to rejoice with, who trust me with their hard times and whom I can trust with mine. And since I started seeking that, I have found it, and while I will not be ungrateful (I hope!) when or if any of those other lovely cherries-on-top happen, I feel deeply, deeply grateful for what I have and for the chances I have to make my life even better.
To sum up: being in your forties is the BEST. I highly recommend hanging out on the planet until you get here, if you haven't already. :)
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