In the last month or so, I've talked to a couple of different people who were close to me who were shaken by the deaths of people who were not close to them. They didn't want to impose on the families affected by the deaths, but they did need to talk about it, so they talked to me-- and, to be clear, I do know that it is an honor to be trusted this much.
One of the things I told them is that I do know, from firsthand experience, that having someone sad for you because someone close to you has died makes grief lighter.
I learned this from the secondhand-mourner perspective when a woman I knew and admired lost her husband to suicide. When I got to the casket-- she was standing at the head of it-- and looked into my friend's eyes, all I could do is cry. She hugged me, and said, "Thank you for crying for me."
I didn't know her that well, and I had never met her husband that I knew of, and I felt utterly impotent to offer any comfort in that moment. That is why when she said it, I thought she was being very thoughtful of me to let me think that I had actually done her any good.
I thought this until I lost my friend who was murdered by her ex-husband. Some people were so shocked when I told them about it that I had to spend precious emotional energy calming them down. That was pretty hard. But others-- many others, even some who didn't know my friend at all-- chose to be sad for me, and I learned firsthand that having someone else be sad for my loss is one of the single most healing things that I've ever experienced.
I learned this again when my dad died. Fewer people, though not zero, were shocked and upset and needed me to be emotionally present in ways that were pretty hard. But others offered sweet, loving support. I especially appreciate a couple of the teachers in the building where I worked who quietly checked in on me now and again to make sure I was doing OK. They had lost their own fathers within the last few years, and they knew from their own firsthand experience what was needed. But all of the other people, including close friends, who didn't know what to do and who were just straight up sad for me? I was SO thankful for them, too. Every expression of grief on my behalf seemed to split mine up and take a part of it away.
So, my advice: be aware not to impose, but looking someone in the eye and letting them know how truly sad you are for their loss is not maybe a little perhaps helpful, but it genuinely lifts the burdens of grief. If you feel an unexpected wave of grief over the death of someone you have never met, this not only signals that you are a human with a functioning heart, but it means that if you are in a position to communicate that grief, you could provide the exact support that grieving person or family needs. It tells them that their person mattered-- even to someone who had never met them. And surely, if you think about it, someone who matters even to those who never met them must matter a lot.
The caveat: some people are not going to be up to human interaction when they are grieving. The essence of not imposing is being willing to step back when the person indicates that is what they would like you to do. If this is the vibe you're getting, be sure to respect it, but at the same time understand that your own grief is still real, and that you yourself may need to reach out for support. I learned that one the hard way. My personal experience is that suicides can be particularly difficult to process. I beg of you to reach out for the support you need if you are finding yourself in a hole having to do with this issue-- or if you find yourself in an emotional hole about anything at all. Each life is precious, including yours.
